where do i see myself in 5 years?

it's funny for someone who self analyzes so much you think i would have a definitive answer to that. a plan, a goal, an understanding of what future i would like to have.

but i don't.

married? i dunno? maybe... not a goal but if it happens.

children... god no, i hope not. maybe one day i will feel differently, but for the moment, no.

in a real career? ok that one i can say yes to. that's definitely a yes, i want a career, one that affords me to live, one that i can move up in, feel successful at.

so that's what i got for a goal? ok, here's number 2: in a city i love. is that city new york? idfk. it seems so exciting from the movies and tv. but is that life style really for me? considering one of my favorite things to do is wander around aimlessly is that the fast paced lifestyle i want. and i hate cold weather.

i see maybe more california, though its hard to know for sure since i have not been since i was 4.

ok so 2 goals: career and good city. wow... i really need to fill in the specifics. i have a lot to think about, and a few months to do it.

and the one thing i can't get off my mind, i can't blame ry for moving to follow his dreams. but is going there mine? and if i stay true to the whole "not blaming him for leaving me to follow his dreams" can i be happy following him up there if it is not my dream? i love him, but where do i see myself in 5 years, honestly marriage isn't the top goal.

all i know is that if i don't do something for myself... something to finally make me proud of myself, i will never be happy.

this does and doesn't suck.

kicking my own ass.

in. to. shape.

From this point on this blog is about getting myself back into peak condition. it isn't quite private, but i can't imagine anyone else really caring about this shit.

weight: 125.3 (most i have ever been in my whole life.)

days without cigarettes or alcohol: 5...

breakfast: yogurt w/ cereal and banana. (avoided dd donuts yea!)

lunch: tofham & pepperjack spinach sandwich. :) and bad for you microwave french fries :(

dinner: veggie fajitas from el potro...ehhhhhhhh.

calories burned at gym: 225 not so great but i hadn't been in awhile and i have not been sleeping very well.

hope to change this tonight! sleep and better health here, i, come! weeeee! i'm a nerd!

choices...

i don't know what to do... on one hand...

move to nyc with ryan... he says he's going, no stopping him. should go with him... with no job. no savings... no place to live?

on the other hand, what is left for me in orlando?? a job, not a career. tired of this city. though i do love the people, i would always visit.

and if i don't go, do i lose the opportunity to be with the most important person in my life right now?

but if i do go, what if i fail and have to come back to nothing. lose more than i already have, egg on mah face.

i don't know what to do. supposed to go visit family in vegas in july, but can't go if going to nyc, need to decide soon to get the 100 plane ticket...

how are you supposed to plan the rest of your life so fast? why the econ depression now?? this is supposed to be my time to grow and i'm fucking stuck.

ugg. i need some clarity.

given you the creeps.

that was fun.

vivid dreams.

last night i dreamnt i cooked steak. what does that mean? i have not eaten steak in probably 4 years. much less have i ever cooked steak. though i did make it on the george forman.

weirdness.

question 2: how can a shampoo be vegan? does that mean all other shampoos have animal pieces in them? have i been washing my hair with meat? or is it just a different way to make something seem organic and buy into this "america goes green" thing... my mom bought me an organic cotton night gown made by hanes... i look like a grandma in it. way to never get me laid mom. (smart lady... unless she wants grandkidz.) blah. lunch time. steak anyone?