remember privacy?

remember meeting someone and having to actually get to know them without having the luxuary of an internet profile to let you know what they are into... or better yet remember having to make up your own opinion of someone based on face to face interaction not what they edit to show you... (flattering camera angles...ability to fake an interest because the info is at your fingertips...delete unflattering comments... etc.)

anyway, it's so crazy these days... i gotta email, myspace, a blog, twitter, livejournal, flickr... and that's only 1/2 of it, some people have more!

why do i need to let people know so much?? am i that bored? if i had a life i would not have the time for all of these...

this is something to think about.

everyone or no one

a. lies

b. knows what they want.

if one is true does it negate the other?

say, if we knew what we wanted we wouldn't need to lie... it just comforts us to believe in something till we get a little bit of comfort or change. and that becomes the new "what we wanted"... till we are bored.

christmas wish list...

a girl can dream right?


for better nights sleep...


because i need to puree things!


one day... actually probably not... i'd never buy a puppy... prefer to save one from the pound


hat not creepy manaquin... or something like that hat since ryan washed mine and it died.


though i have no use for this...



since i'm wishing aloud and all...

and finally, till i think of anything else...

some form of these to replace the ones i have been wearing for 5 years :( r.i.p. soon...

thanking you for what i could not do...

i wish i knew what to say.  i feel so helpless when i am at a loss for the right words.  "i wish i could take your pain away." is all i want to say... does it help though?  because i don't know that i can.  who knows what the right thing to say is, i feel like i used to be so much better at this.  

i do believe in someway people just need to vent.  like a transference of energy.  i feel upset/angry/bad/hurt/etc. so i will tell you about it and therefore relieve oneself in someway... but how does this transference effect the other person?  they will not take all of it, but they can take some.  i guess that's why we all need a shoulder to cry on, got to let it out somehow.  the worst is feeling like the other person just doesn't want to hear it.  then you hit a wall, and it almost doubles the energy back on to the original "feeler".  

perhaps i am just stupidly rambling.  that's what a blog is for right?  maybe i am transferring some energy on some unsuspecting person who makes the mistake of getting forwarded to this page... (sorry bout that.)

but thank you in the same respect, because just as i write this, just as i put this out of my head and into the collective conscious, i feel my heart beat a little less fast.  i feel a little more calm.  i just hope i have been able to do that for someone else... 

though i think i sucked at it tonight.  damn it.  

(night 2 of no sleep, and i do not see it anywhere in sight...)   

classically conditioned

why is it everytime i hear classical music (which is quite often as i keep npr on my car radio all day) that i crave panara...

waste of time.

ever shaved your legs in the winter only to have the water go cold before you finish the shower and thus the hair on your legs grows back... i want my 5 minutes back.

so anyway, i was using this blog as a private blog to blow off steam.  however, when i looked back it kinda freaked me out to see how pissed off i could be when i knew no one was looking (i hope).  

so tonight i went back and deleted all the angry posts and stupid embarrassing ones too... well hopefully i will write something worth reading now.

probably not though.  either way everyone's got an opinion (and a blog these days), might as well share mine too.  

destination unknown

things i want eventually:
-share a place with a significant other
-share a medium to large size dog, with a calm temperament, that i can go on walks with
-to be able to be a semi-decent cook, learn the recipies of my mom and grandma!
-have nights where i pick a type of food and cook it and get a type of beer that compliments it.
-in said place, have a record player and soft lighting
-to be comfortable staying in 7 nights a week.
-to have dinner parties with friends.
-to do someone's laundry... strange but i enjoy doing laundry and making things smell clean.
-to find a place i can fix up with someone, paint, decorate, keep clean
-to go back for my masters...
-and then find a job that i would enjoy doing for the rest of my life
-to get used to 9 to 5... or find a job that is a little more flexible...my own business?
-to take better care of myself
-eventually quit smoking, maybe only socially and occasionally (i do enjoy it so!)
-listen to more jazz
-fish tank? maybe not...
-to disapear from the social scene... keep to close friends. re-emerge tri-yearly, actually have things to report when someone asks "what have you been up to?"
-to exfoliate my skin weekly
-floss more often!
-call and visit my parents more
-stay in closer contact with my brothers as we get older and will soon hopefully have more in common
-remember people's birthdays and send cards or at least call
-start saving, stop blowing money on going out so often
-go on more trips out of town, see more places.
-get out of the country eventually
-go camping
-finish books a little quicker than 3-4 months
..... more later, right now i gotta get back to work.